worth association

                          her love in the length of a scar

                                                             a fight with no taste for war

                         the craving for oven-fresh peace

                                                           his dream of the might-not-have-beens

                            intents being forced into sleep

                                                              a night with no dawning to seek

                           her love in the range of a star

                                                               a light with no shine to dart

kreativ blogger award

It was with pure joy - and a considerable share of surprise - that I recently found myself receiving the Kreativ Blogger Award from Kayla, who runs OCD Lives Here and The Fourteener - two excellent contributions to our lives, both real and virtual. Thank you so much, Kayla!

As known, it is now my turn to reach the prize for creativity... and I am surely not the only one to consider him deserving of it: Nathan from Imagination Manifesto, a place which feeds eyes and soul. Creativity is naturally only one, from many attributes. Chances are, he's been Kreativ Blogger awarded many times before... nothing more understandable.

As I learned from Kayla, this particular award requires that a dozen taste-related items be listed... so here they come:

6 things I love, randomly picked:

- My daughter (as in cute little thing :)

- Music

- Cinnabuns (can't get them around here - the pain!)

- Photography

- Kisses in the rain

- Calvin and Hobbes

6 things I do not love, randomly picked:

- When my iPod runs out of battery.

- Shop clerks that look and sound and smell like they are doing me the ultimate favour for selling me something.

- Choosing an absolutely delicious dish from some delivery place menu, getting an obscenely watery mouth at the mere thought of it, calling and finding out that they are closed for the day.

- When my child is sick.

- Driving (Hey, Kayla.. let's start a club? ;)

redemption

rescue me

from these dubious thoughts
from this breathing that stings
from the futures i lost

release me

from this toxic hope
from the hours long dead
and the needs they evoke

free me

from this mud in my veins
this unweary withdrawal
and its ruthless reign

find me

in the maze of your being

throw me out
and forbid me

to slip back in

to slip back

to slip

audio version

a melodic composition

but i'm not a singer

don't listen with your ears

listen with your soul

prime flight

a
star was
turned on

and for the first time
i didn't miss it

a song was composed

and the newborn got
cradled in my ear

a poem was found

in a rusted tin can
between layers of wait

a fire was lit

from stone on stone
easing paleolithic shivers

when
you came

audio version

song loved

Daphne and Apollo
by Nerina Pallot

Venus loved Daphne and so did Apollo
So why can't I make myself like a tree?
Why must I burn daily and nightly
When nobody's running - well not after me.
Must I wait, must I pray
For something good to come my way?

Oh, Daphne was stupid! Yeah, how could she do it?
How could she turn a prince from her door?
'Cause if you came calling, boy I'd let you in
But you don't come calling, well not anymore.
So I wait, and I grow old.
When I'm dead, then you'll know.

Do you know?

You know.

my attempt

cinch

like the sun gives up shining
when i shut the blinds

much as hurt just steams away
when i quit crying

same way you're no longer there
when i close my eyes

just as rain no longer pours
when i reach my lair

i flip a coin
i pull a plug
i skip a scene
i pick a mug

i hit a switch
and let go of us

erosion

i was here
all was well
heart was fine
lead was mine
walls bright white, speckless

you were there
voice on mute
bans in bold
dreams on hold
tears dried out, irrevocably

then somewhere

along our timelines

we reclashed

and nothing

remained

in place

not a pebble

not a leaf

not a sigh

a reboot

and i'm back to zero
only this time

i'm alone

the
forces
of nate you
have done their job:
the gap has become a canyon

invoice

so Chungyen Chang from Weather for Headphones had the simple yet sparkling idea of recording his poems. and what can I say.. i got so inspired that i've decided to implement the gimmick myself! on a happier note for you, kind readers that i treasure, listening to the results is entirely optional. :)

i have only voiced two of my latest posts so far and i don't really think i'll cover the whole of my scribblings. requests, anyone?

i'd also like to take the opportunity to thank Robert from Black Tie and Sneakers, who's been unsayably gracious to me, having gone that far as to reach me an award!


and my very first one too. thank you so much, dear friend! now, i am not exactly sure of what i should do next - what with my lack of experience in the matter. so i'll do as Robert did, since i'm sure he knows what he's doing - and pass it on to two of my favorite bloggers in the whooole wide web:

Tim from Smoke Signals and Juan from Naovem Quenaotem

i hope i'm not doing anything awfully wrong. could i have sent it back to you, Rob?

thank you all for stopping by! ;)

ff

i had a dream today
of flames and chill
of now being then
and issues gone still

i got some bills to pay
before the jackpot hits me
before the prize is reached
and i can cash thee

i've a confession to make
i didn't word a thing i meant
i never said for how to speak
of the engraved that can't be read

would you please be a darling
and reach for the remote
to get us forwarded

now

audio version

take it

it's yours

it's not bloody
i promise

it's still pumping
but softly

it won't kill me
the opposite

and it fits in your pocket

audio version

under new direction

if i were to spread my wings
somebody would try to clip them
some feathers could grow unevenly
my soaring could be unsteady

if i'll just get up and sing
they'll hear the imperfections
i'll know of my limitations
and let them nullify the essence

so i won't

if i could defend myself
i'd no longer sit so still
they'd quit all the understanding
and charge would replace their pity

if i could undust my faith
i'd sound way too self-assured
the world affronts self-assured
i'd have to prove myself right

so i can't

if i take some breath away
there are always the unimpressed
soever this "good, not best"
and the looks that pierce the fragile

and if i go back to writing
who knows what they'll think of me
god knows if you'll feel a thing
or if i can take the blow

so i don't


so i didn't

you've been my golden best friend
and now with post-demise at hand
i can't go to you for consolation
'cause we're off limits during this transition

this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and i can't stop bumping into things

i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but i was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment i met you
with you i knew god's face was handsome
with you i saw fun and expansion

this loss is numbing me it pierces my chest
and i can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but i was sadly mistaken

if i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
if i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
if i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
but i was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but i was sadly mistaken

Alanis - Simple Together

trinity

her and her
clear achievements
strong-rooted goals
and amazing roles

me and my
maze of doubts

her and my
unwanted presence
disturbing trail
and involuntary offensive

me and her
self-blindness

you and her
hungry love
nearly criminal beauty
and striking ways

you and my
fragile self

me and your
charming spirit
shameless taming
and keys to my every gate

you and her
innocence

fail

love
as a word, as a metaphor
repainted, renovated, improved
mutated
into orchids, tears or air

love
unspoiled by illusion, unscarred by deception
with all the power conceded
and all the tags that dangle
on all the shapes it borrows

love
in its cradle
raw, naked, immaculate
unconceivable in its very core
and soaked in its very truth

still won't say

audio version

poll results

why

it frightens
turns off the lights
exposing my darkness
and its unbreathable smell

when

back then
in a decade
as we speak
5 minutes ago

what

this feeling of insufficiency
my bleeding out insecurity
and that fervor to get it right
at no time believing i might

how

head held underwater
after the happy dive
i can't come out for air
i can't come out alive

if i reach for your hands

we will both drown

please
forgive me

the good kind

just a little girl
whining for little
carrying that giggle
you've known for a while

still that little girl
with her big eyes
and one deep sigh
that lasts for miles

big little girl
saw more than signed up for
knows now how to grow and shut the door
and become the woman prescribed by law

ever pony-tailed
trying not to scare
willing to be fair
in order to keep you there

partially matured
dragging teddy bears and huge decisions
electricity bills and tears born unreasoned
in her imperishable attempt to keep it pretty

and childish
but the good kind

night watch

your gliding

amongst my mist, clearing the path
and my sight

my standing

in a field of daisies, under heavy rain
and dusk

a glimpse

of fine hair half-hiding the eyes
i want on me

the grip

of my hands on your fate
and your life on my whole

a plea

let it be dark
let it be dark
eternally

audio version

new knot old tie

how dare you play her so easily
like you composed her

have you no respect for the depth of the abyss
are you that naive to think it won't matter
it won't reach her
won't tear her up

did she wear her mask that well
not even you could tell

what were you both thinking
awakening such a toughly achieved hibernation

have you learned nothing in all these years
still not aware of what will be triggered
by just a sentence
by one dare
one tiny, nearly invisible signal

i swear by me one would vow
you'd have grasped the danger by now

what is the matter with her
to allow her doors to fling open like that

when did she give up on the unspoken
at what point precisely did she forget the hurt
she caused
and felt
immeasurably

hadn't she promised to let you escape
wasn't she truly glad you got over the ache

unbelievable

like nothing ever happened
you hopeless bunch have refallen in it

it'll happen over and over again

won't it?

clock-wise

tic put an end to womb and cord

tac brought a name
light and air
lullabies with maternal pitch
and smells

tic took away my crib and favourite breast

tac provided walking feet
80's music
sugar-coated waffles
and Strawberry Shortcake dolls

it sure was tic melting down my treasured toys (i saw him)

by my side stood tac
offering cheek-to-cheek dancing
the perpetual tenderness of young love
and the butterflies of a first kiss

tic's latest trick includes:
fine wrinkles
a couple of addictions
and a tad of tired sorrow

tac has been most lovely, teaching me that
regreting is just plain silly
nothing is lost forever
every plan has its season
that no, there shouldn't be such things as time machines

and for the first time i begin to learn

i'm ok with aging, really
it's fair trading

the gap

there

where some ghosts hide

where my knights ride

and Desire rules

there's a bright-hole

and it's shaped like you

here

underneath contentment

past the veils of reason

ignoring time

there remains a cave

and it smells like you

deep down

where the dreams are built

where good deeds get tilted

mixed with blood and breeze

i have found a space

and it shines like you

high above

soaring over my attempts

to replace, remove, refill

playing its mocking tune

there's a gap awaiting

it's unnervingly patient

and it drums like you

audio version

of parting and reunion

since the music box inside
needs two hands to get wound up
it can never sound complete
skipping notes, deforming timbers
urging fingers ever missed

since the hands that fuel the tune
are apart by ocean's blue
back and forth, the box plays life
always halved, unsettled, fooled
by miles that won't take far

now it's time to (one more time)
rise and fly and meet the missed
soon the other half will try
new ways to please and amuse
through the music still diffuse

carrying on
i'm split in half
for two homes share my bed

dear friends and visitors: i will not be able to update the blog for the following 2 months, due to my annual, much treasured trip to the homeland. i am afraid reliable internet access might not be an option.

i will come back, though. i always do. till then! :)

daughter

dipping my soul in chocolate
having a tree take me by the hand
entering a white room
so packed with colourful ballons
the door will barely open

sensing lilac clouds of all-flavoured ice cream
sweep me off my feet
as you smile at me

being held locked by the witch
finding out i am the witch
falling off the ferris wheel
just as we were both so thrilled
in a perfect, smily day

getting robbed of your hands
no-one there to
stop that crime
as i see i made you whine

will you always bring your laughter
if i promise to behave?

will you take me to your playground
if i swear not to complain?

give me one more of your hugs, filled with stars and cinnabuns?
trust me now, won't let you down

mom will be a good girl

wanted

my weight in gold
for the black-haired girl, with eyes brown of confidence and her dreams intact

my life in cash
for her mind at ease, her pride in health and her heart unstoned

my secrets in bold
if she's still alive, if she goes outside and will dance again

my dimes in a bash
for a lady on the run, with my past in her smile and her essence in my hands

not that

it is not that i'm regretful as such
(sweet is the fruit we harvested and rich is the wine it gave)

it is this illogical pondering 'bout neighbour grass

it is not that i got bored per se
(rare is the laughter, not fake; shy is the thrill, not taken)
it is this joy i won't allow to blossom

it is not plug-pulling in itself
(intact remain the reasons that unified; powerful still, the urge for feedback)

it is this thirst that can't be quenched

it is not that i mean to bruise you

it is this wrath that bursts unfounded
it is this insecurity-born shadow, erasing our light

it is that i launched love your way
without ever doing it towards myself

enlighten me

"uhh, SOMEbody is in a bad mood.."

how can anyone possibly conclude it is a good idea to throw that at a person who is annoyed? honestly. how is that helpful? does it sound remotely comforting? and how - for heaven's sake - is it surprising that the unamused being becomes even angrier after hearing such a statement? i must be missing something.

"You know, shockingly, that doesn't make me feel any better."
Shrek

bipolar prophecy

right
so here is what i think will happen:
we'll both eventually grow out of it
much like at the end of our fully united days
when we'll just lie there, temporarily satisfied
after so much teasing and button-pushing

damn
it would be blithe to have it otherwise
to fell the taste and not just picture it
to mean the phrase and not just gag
to stare a tad longer, without the fear
that a spark of truth might spring right out

good
it will be best to walk this way
a welcome blessing to have them fade
these nagging needs, these oughta-dos
those sneaky dreams, them wishes to
give in, wear out the mask imposed

see
i do not long for this to be
but i believe we'll feel relieved
cause i would love to have a go
my fragile shield won't last too long
and i can't have the heart exposed

not more than it already is, anyway
not so much that it could kill

and die

download unavailable

i would
like to clear my vision for the unintended harm that comes my way. like very much to forgive and be forgiven without the customary hassle. love not to be furious, not to resent and not to assume. find it grand if i could control this rage and focus on the beneficial factors: of others, life and myself.

i would
give anything to get a hold of my inner balance.
give most of what i am in exchange for a fraction of what i (know i) could be.
give a chunk of my heart to be able to love in less agressive ways.
give you everything you need if only i knew how to.

i would
be awfully grateful for some system update.

the turn

the storms and their wobble
the seasickness and its pills
the hopeful paddling amidst the trouble

the permanent mending of a damaged hull

the tears, the salt, the faults
the dives and the somersaults
the sky, its stars and their falling

the unflapping wings of the seagulls

our colorful shells and the gray ones as well
the healed wounds and the ones left to swell
our dreaming of harbours
both safe and wild
your hand in my hand, the sun and the hours

all that was sacred, the miles we've earned
ejected in handfuls, like bread for the birds
for it is too great, the effort it takes
too shaky a trip and
too big a wave

we have given up

the boat is turning back

helpless

in her head, in bed, when she breathes
the little movie plays on repeat:

there's a soundtrack, a tune that makes her confident
but the lyrics don't match the script
she climbs the stairs slowly, the door opens
for her, for trouble, for now

she isn't expected
he smiles anyways
unknowing of her intentions
beautifully unaware of
all that will be found, all that will be lost
within a second and forever

he has no time to notice the silent revelation
flow out of a glare that is new to him
she's close to being everything
as she pulls him by the shirt
incisively, clumsily, softly, desperately

two pairs of eyes widen and fall shut
two separate hearts speed up and rush in
two sets of lips meet and dissolve into one another
and then
there is only one

one of anything, one of everything
that formerly made them individual
one wave with all of it, right there
unleashed, hungry, partially numbing
and only nearly painful

there's no guilt in that moment
it's not in slow-motion but she makes it last long
long enough to savour
every drop, every shade of what is pure in it
for there will be blame and there will be a price
but not until they're done

until then
she's helpless

explaining (not justifying)

because i can be myself
because i become fearless
(of judgement, of rejection, of reproval)
because time flies
because time dies
and everything else smiles

because of the joy to the point of physical pain
because it reminds
intoxicates
terrifies

because it stings but it's the good ache
because i get soaked but it's a cooling rain
because it's my rescue and my sin

and i like it

you

to you, who may or may not be imaginary, who may or may not care, who may or may not know. for you this post, my ever increasing sleepless nights, my painful silence and the dangerously declared words. you, routinely invisible yet disturbingly present: in my thoughts, my dreams, my nightmares. you, who make me forgetful of my convictions and wilder than i reckoned possible. you: never to become (what i'd love you to be), never to experience (my fits of long-kept emotions), always to belong (where you, in fact, don't). to you i offer my tears as flowing crystal, my rage as soaring kites and my darkness as neon signs. because you could turn my grief into grace, even if you were the reason for the former. this goes to you, who may or may not hurt me, may or may not save me, may or may not live.

from a bitter-sweetly unsettled, forever fragmented me.

when champagne hit the vessel

and what better way to inaugurate an unambitious blog than with words from others?

"I feel this, truly proclaimed,
will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame
will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily"

Alanis Morissette
in Spineless - So-Called Chaos