bipolar prophecy

right
so here is what i think will happen:
we'll both eventually grow out of it
much like at the end of our fully united days
when we'll just lie there, temporarily satisfied
after so much teasing and button-pushing

damn
it would be blithe to have it otherwise
to fell the taste and not just picture it
to mean the phrase and not just gag
to stare a tad longer, without the fear
that a spark of truth might spring right out

good
it will be best to walk this way
a welcome blessing to have them fade
these nagging needs, these oughta-dos
those sneaky dreams, them wishes to
give in, wear out the mask imposed

see
i do not long for this to be
but i believe we'll feel relieved
cause i would love to have a go
my fragile shield won't last too long
and i can't have the heart exposed

not more than it already is, anyway
not so much that it could kill

and die

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i would
like to clear my vision for the unintended harm that comes my way. like very much to forgive and be forgiven without the customary hassle. love not to be furious, not to resent and not to assume. find it grand if i could control this rage and focus on the beneficial factors: of others, life and myself.

i would
give anything to get a hold of my inner balance.
give most of what i am in exchange for a fraction of what i (know i) could be.
give a chunk of my heart to be able to love in less agressive ways.
give you everything you need if only i knew how to.

i would
be awfully grateful for some system update.

the turn

the storms and their wobble
the seasickness and its pills
the hopeful paddling amidst the trouble

the permanent mending of a damaged hull

the tears, the salt, the faults
the dives and the somersaults
the sky, its stars and their falling

the unflapping wings of the seagulls

our colorful shells and the gray ones as well
the healed wounds and the ones left to swell
our dreaming of harbours
both safe and wild
your hand in my hand, the sun and the hours

all that was sacred, the miles we've earned
ejected in handfuls, like bread for the birds
for it is too great, the effort it takes
too shaky a trip and
too big a wave

we have given up

the boat is turning back

helpless

in her head, in bed, when she breathes
the little movie plays on repeat:

there's a soundtrack, a tune that makes her confident
but the lyrics don't match the script
she climbs the stairs slowly, the door opens
for her, for trouble, for now

she isn't expected
he smiles anyways
unknowing of her intentions
beautifully unaware of
all that will be found, all that will be lost
within a second and forever

he has no time to notice the silent revelation
flow out of a glare that is new to him
she's close to being everything
as she pulls him by the shirt
incisively, clumsily, softly, desperately

two pairs of eyes widen and fall shut
two separate hearts speed up and rush in
two sets of lips meet and dissolve into one another
and then
there is only one

one of anything, one of everything
that formerly made them individual
one wave with all of it, right there
unleashed, hungry, partially numbing
and only nearly painful

there's no guilt in that moment
it's not in slow-motion but she makes it last long
long enough to savour
every drop, every shade of what is pure in it
for there will be blame and there will be a price
but not until they're done

until then
she's helpless

explaining (not justifying)

because i can be myself
because i become fearless
(of judgement, of rejection, of reproval)
because time flies
because time dies
and everything else smiles

because of the joy to the point of physical pain
because it reminds
intoxicates
terrifies

because it stings but it's the good ache
because i get soaked but it's a cooling rain
because it's my rescue and my sin

and i like it

you

to you, who may or may not be imaginary, who may or may not care, who may or may not know. for you this post, my ever increasing sleepless nights, my painful silence and the dangerously declared words. you, routinely invisible yet disturbingly present: in my thoughts, my dreams, my nightmares. you, who make me forgetful of my convictions and wilder than i reckoned possible. you: never to become (what i'd love you to be), never to experience (my fits of long-kept emotions), always to belong (where you, in fact, don't). to you i offer my tears as flowing crystal, my rage as soaring kites and my darkness as neon signs. because you could turn my grief into grace, even if you were the reason for the former. this goes to you, who may or may not hurt me, may or may not save me, may or may not live.

from a bitter-sweetly unsettled, forever fragmented me.

when champagne hit the vessel

and what better way to inaugurate an unambitious blog than with words from others?

"I feel this, truly proclaimed,
will help the curbing of this tendency
I know this sharing of shame
will ensure that I won't forget myself so easily"

Alanis Morissette
in Spineless - So-Called Chaos